Rappers who hit me with so much of the same thing (saying "hit me" sounds cool, huh):
Male rappers: "I have hos, cristal, and thongs dropping all over the place"
Female rappers: "Your girl can't do it like i can, I'm so hot i reject guys left and right, don't you want me"
Frankly, my hip-hop brethren, these claims are so tired and old that when I hear them, I just want to take a nap in a rocking chair with a piece of straw in my mouth. Please. Give me something new. Tell me your business plan. Tell me your favorite breakfast restaurant. Tell me something!!!!
Video games because they're not fun any more. Ooh, MPGs!! Ooh FPS games!! Wow, I can spend 4893895231952 hours trying to figure out how to open this door! Please give me a god damned break and let me jump on some turtles' heads. The last fun game: Super Mario Kart on SNES
CALTRAIN I HATE YOU SO MUCH. What kind of POS transportation system has the most CONFUSING schedule on earth, a web page that obfuscates its own times, and trains that sporadically don't run at normal hourly times? Now I am an educated man, but one look at their schedule here made me question the dozens of years I have spent and thousands of dollars I have spent learning how to read. Is this a personal story? MAYBE LIKE LAST THURSDAY NIGHT WHEN I WAS STUCK IN SF THANKS TO THIS HORRIFICALLY POORLY RUN SERVICE
When you go to a restaurant and try to pour the crushed red pepper on your pizza, only the stupid bottle doesn't pour more than one flake out at a time. This means that I have to spend about 15 minutes furiously pouring the red pepper, while burning about 72,000 calories. I sincerely wish there was a dump truck full of crushed red pepper that unloaded its glorious cargo whenever I snapped my fingers. It's these moderate dreams that get me through the day.
Bagels. I don't how stupid Americans started liking bagels in the late 90s, but allow me to mock you and condemn the ABSURD ACT OF EATING PLAIN BREAD WITH NO TOPPING OR TOASTING. My favorite bagels are the 12-for-$2 bagels that you get in the grocery store--the ones you actually TOAST and put cream cheese on. Yet unbelievable amounts of people will go order plain bagels (or sesame, or whatever) and just EAT THEM PLAIN!!!!! Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion but I can't remember ever seeing someone walk into a Safeway, buy a loaf of bread, then casually eat it while walking around on the street, hands in pockets, whistling, all the while moaning in pleasure for how "mmmmmm good" it is. I hate you, bagels.
Registrars. What is it that draws the meanest, most anti-social people to this position--at any school? Or perhaps the position actually creates disgruntled, socially awkward people. Whatever the case, I will welcome the day when this job is offshored or computerized.
Puzzles, Sudoku, and any other "games" that are not fun
Waiters who ask, "Would you like to hear our specials?" and then proceed to list about 62 DIFFERENT SPECIALS WITHOUT STOPPING TO SEE IF WE CARE ANYMORE. How many times have you been at a table when this horrific monologue started, and you and your friends are just looking at each other embarrassedly? "Please stop," I whimper to myself. "Please stop." If I were a waiter and I saw 4 of my customers looking down at the table, inspecting the nearest fleck of microscopic dust, and slowly reaching for a screwdriver with which to kill themselves--aka NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO ME--I would probably stop, leave, and send free drinks for everyone to atone for my mortal error. Quick tip: If it looks like someone is going through the pain of giving birth while listening to you, you can safely assume TO STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW.
That stupid Josh Groban song, "You Raised Me Up," which every aspiring singer on TV apparently must try to reproduce. This is like me trying out for a cooking show and making an entire meal around Spam. Why not at least pick something good to copy?
People who go on Elimidate and then get sanctimonious about others' behavior. IT'S ELIMIDATE, NOT TRAINING FOR A NUNNERY. Girls will be like, "Ugh (rolling eyes), I can't believe she did that. That slut!" Dude, she's here to win and you are here to gain other female approval. Stop wasting my time. My favorite time was when an Indian girl went on Elimidate ("Indian girl" and "Elimidate" have never been uttered together before) and was the most prudish of all...of course. WHY DID SHE GO ON!? And the best part was that she said, "My parents and grandparents will be watching this." This is exactly the same reason why I would never go on TV to play in the World Series, NBA finals, Superbowl, or any other athletic event.
Anachronistic ad agencies. I will short you all
When you get into bed and are all comfortable, but then realize you're on TOP of the sheet, so you have to get up and readjust yourself. This is so nitpicky that it's a surprise I haven't had a heart attack yet.
The moronic tendency of people to pre-judge a jury verdict before it comes out. "Oh, I know OJ is guilty," many people said, to which I replied: Are you out of your god damned mind? How on earth do people purport to know (1) whether someone really did it and (2) what a jury will say when (a) THEY ARE NOT IN THE TRIAL, (b) THEY DIDN'T WATCH ANY OF THE TRIAL, and (c) EVEN IF YOU DID YOU STILL COULDN'T PREDICT IT WITH CERTAINTY. Yet these people will nod reassuringly and essentially pat themselves on the back, "knowing" that they know the right outcome. Will they ever be held accountable? No. Will they ignore disconfirming evidence if they're wrong? Yes.
People who get overly serious about recycling stuff:
Me: "Hey, where's the garbage can?" (Btw this is at a party where everyone is having fun)
Friend: "Oh, it's right over there."
Me: (Walks over to throw my coke can away)
Friend: PHYSICALLY STOPS ME AND LOOKS OUTRAGED. "Aren't you going to recycle?" he says in the same tone as if he'd found a body in the trunk of my car
Me: (Stares at friend, blinks)
Props to my brother for suggesting this one. Now, I'm all for saving the environment when it takes a few minutes of my time, but perhaps we can stop the global war on putting ONE COKE CAN IN THE GARBAGE CAN.