Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Chafe

Anyone who--while hanging out with friends and paying back some money they owe to one of them--hands it over and coyly says "This is for last night." Is that even supposed to be funny anymore? It's been used 59,901 times since we were kids. Also, I don't think prostitutes take IOUs.

People who get in relationships and then never see their friends anymore. HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW LIKE THIS? These are the people who we disparagingly say "got married" in college, even though they didn't officially do that. What we really meant is they found a girlfriend/boyfriend and basically disappeared from everyone. I seriously hate this, and it's probably the fastest way for me to hate you. Talk about making a bad decision. Hmm, let's see, it's Friday night and I'm on a college campus, with more young people than I'll ever be around again. I think I'll hang out with the same person, stay in, and watch a movie!! What a life!!

Common phrases by these people:
You: "Hey dude, want to come out with us on Saturday?"
Lame-o: "Oh, I'm not sure....let me check with Michelle"

You: "Hey, we're going to get some food tonight, want to roll?"
Lame-o: "Yeah, we'd love to come" (even though they actually gave a once-in-a-blue-moon agreement to come out, WE DIDN'T INVITE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!! SOMETIMES WE JUST WANT TO HANG WITH YOU)

Lame-o (when they finally email you like 8 months later): "So...what's been going on?"
You: Silence (where do you even start? and why bother?)

The sad thing is not only the people who break up later, and find they wasted some of their best years sitting inside and watching Cheaters at 1am on Friday night. It's even the people who DO end up staying together, who one day will realize that they have exactly....1 friend.

This rant isn't over. What's funny is that, once every 39054213 years, these lame people will try to invite friends out to "reconnect." It will usually be something like a dinner, which requires little to no planning (of course). And they are inevitably SHOCKED when few people respond to their emails. WHAT A SURPRISE!! YOU STOPPED RESPONDING TO EVERYONE'S INVITATIONS FOR THE LAST 5 MONTHS/YEARS. WHAT WOULD SERIOUSLY MAKE YOU THINK THAT ANYONE WOULD RESPOND TO YOUR INVITATION AT THE DROP OF A HAT? Are these people out of their minds?

PLEASE, PEOPLE: DIVERSIFY YOUR FRIENDS. IT'S REALLY NOT HEALTHY TO HANG OUT WITH THE SAME PERSON ALL THE TIME. PLUS, IT'S MORE FUN TO HANG WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Why do I even bother with recommendations on this one? It's like trying to teach a wombat how to do viral marketing. Hopeless.

Update: How funny is this shit. 2 people have IMd me saying, "Wow Ramit, your post about college students getting married was so funny!!" Ironically, these people did not realize that THEY WERE INCLUDED IN MY RANT. Just because you're not in college anymore doesn't make you immune to this point. AGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! However, I take solace in knowing that I will never, ever run out of material for this site.

The way your hands are still wet after you wash them and dry them with a towel. One of my nightmares is going to the bathroom, washing/drying my hands, and then walking outside only to have someone IMMEDIATELY shake my hand. WILL THEY THINK I DON'T WASH MY HANDS?!? You can see the daily horrors that I confront every day when I wake up.

Anybody who says they can tell anything about your truthfulness from body language. For example, stupid people will say, "Did you know that looking to the top-right means you're telling the truth because you're accessing information from the left part of your brain?" Unless you're Paul Ekman, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. READ THE LITERATURE PEOPLE

What is it with indignant, self-righteous parents who don't take ANY suggestions people make about their children? A kid could be screaming with half his arm about to be eaten by a bear, but god forbid you say "Excuse me, I don't think that's safe." What can we expect the response to be? "HOW DARE YOU!! DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO RAISE THIS CHILD BETTER THAN ME? I'M A GOOD PARENT, SO DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME OR MY CHILDREN LIKE THAT." Now let's break it down here. First of all, you're probably not that good of a parent (just a numbers game). Second, stop yelling, you hysterical crazy old codger. But finally, can you please be original? God, if I hear one more nutty parent yelling out the same tired old phrase ("DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO RAISE THIS CHILD BETTER THAN ME?") I am going to jump off a boat into the ocean while tethering myself to an anchor of ice. Of course, I have to admit that I actually never hear this in real life--it's more often on TV shows like Desperate Housewives, where the moms are going crazy when someone says something about their kids. I guess parents like that don't hang out at VC offices and entrepreneurship conferences, my regular hideouts. Still, if every TV show says this is happening, it's probably true.

Hotel food, probably the worst of all. It's still stupendously shocking to me that people book receptions/fancy meals at hotels, only to be faced with 8195153 pieces of silverware (ooh that's really fancy, I'm so impressed), lukewarm chicken that tastes like glue, and no hot pepper. Get a life, hotels

Conferences that are either free or cost more than $2,000. I have been to both and let me tell you: They're both horrible. Here's why. Because they cost no money, the free conferences bring out the shadiest people on earth, all of whom call themselves "independent consultants." This means they are unemployed. And, not surprisingly, the ratio of "consultants" to entrepreneurs is about 2421498 to 1. In other words, if you are someone with a legitimate business at a free conference, prepare to be swarmed by geeky, socially awkward, needy people. Second, the $2,000+ conferences. These are also a waste of time AND money. See, everyone who goes to these things is sponsored by a company, so nobody really cares about anything. At the last one I went to, literally over half the people in the room were reading their email ALL day. It was like being back in a college lecture hall. If I were the presenter, I would have shut down all wireless Internet, screamed at everyone in the hall to pay attention, reminded them that their company was paying for them to attend, and ended with an ominous "Shame on you." Don't go to these goddamn rackets.

73 Comments:

Anonymous Rachel said...

Let me be the first to welcome Ramit back into the fold.
And as someone who has worked in hotel dining: the food tastes like crap because the waiters have had it sitting under hotplates for 2 hours while polishing those 10,000 pieces of silverware. Do you know how long it takes to polish silverware? Everytime a diner dropped their fork on the floor, I felt physical pain.

1:26 PM  
Blogger Gabe Rosen said...

What is up with non-resealable packaging for products, such as lox, that really, really need to be resealed? I mean, it's already encased in plastic, so we're not talking quantum leaps here.

How about when some asshole sticks a white brochure under your windshield wiper and it looks exactly like a parking ticket from far away? (Keep in mind I live in SF, where the ticket trolls routinely cross out the listed penalty and jack it up by $25). Makes me reeeeeally feel like patronizing that business.

Starbucks nomenclature. The smallest coffee available is called a "tall". Obvious falsehood - what a compelling marketing strategy! The biggest, interestingly enough, is called a "grande". I guess it's so big, there are no words in English to even describe it.

Why is it that every restaurant, cafe, and coffee shop in this fair city feels the need to surround its patrons with pounding bass music? Last time I checked, I was trying to have a conversation with my tablemates or get some work or reading done. If I wanted to feel like I was at a rave, I would take off these square penny loafers and drop some E. (This is especially painful given that headhunters live in coffee shops for much of the week).

When you get someone's voicemail message and there is no audible beep to let you know to start talking, and they inevitably listen to two seconds of silence and skip over the message you eventually decide to leave.

Resumes in PDF format. Ooooh, too good for Word, are we? Why don't I put a picture of my ass in PDF, and you can kiss it using the hot new program, Adobe KissGabe'sAss?

1:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, my school's recruiting center insisted on PDF resumes, and a number of employer mock-interviewers specifically stated that they were impressed my resume was in PDF format so that margins/fonts etc wouldn't get fucked up even on a different system.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Gabe Rosen said...

That may be, but I find it incredibly irritating because I can't cut and paste or change fonts, and I have to have yet one more program running.

10:57 PM  
Anonymous Disappointed in SW said...

Two words: SALES PEOPLE!!!!!
Especially hate the ones who refuse to understand that you're not interested.

Sales person(SP): Hi, I'm here to inquire about your broadband and to offer you...
Me: I'm all by myself in this office so it really wouldn't be beneficial to me.
SP: Yes I understand that. But let me tell you what we offer....
Me: (Quiet and secretly thinking of ways I could eradicate the idiot from the planet.)
Once he finishes his speech..I say
"I'm all by myself in this office so it really wouldn't be beneficial to me"
SP: Really? Oh. All right. Thank you for your time.

UUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

6:11 AM  
Blogger J'Adore said...

no hot pepper I think that may be a brown person i-need-spice thing :-)

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Dan H. said...

To gabe rosen:

Actually, the largest Starbucks is the Venti, the Italian word for 20. This sort of makes sense for a 20 ounce beverage, until you realize that no one in Italy knows what an ounce is.

Apparently there used to be only "short" and "tall" sizes, but they added larger sizes as customer demand grew. Eventually, the "short" was phased out, leaving us with the current retarded system.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Rachel said...

Actually, "short" still exists, but it's secret in the way that In N Out's alternative menu is "secret." If you go up to the window and order a short latte, mocha, whatever they'll make it for you without batting an eye. Not only that, they'll make it for your in their special "short" cups, which amazingly, are smaller than their "tall" cups.
They don't put it on the menu in an effort to make more money. If you think tall is the cheapest size, you'll order tall, never realizing that additional savings were merely one word away.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love conferences that cost over $2000, and used to help run one. It was fun. Everyone was there just to network but they picked good enough speakers so that the entire audience wasn't on email. But you are right about free conferences.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Gabe Rosen said...

How about businesses that don't have answering machines, so you don't know if they're closed, on the phone already and not picking up their call waiting, or have vanished entirely? Note to these jerks: Not being reachable by phone is a great way to alienate customers.

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

People who lie when there's absolutely no need to.
me: Hey, whats up?
Liar: Nothing just got back from London
Me: yeah. How was it?
Liar: Good....(goes on and on while i try to figure out how to get outta there)
Me:(finally)...I gtg..lets catch up some other time.
Liar: Yeah definately..
only to find out from someone else that it was all a lie! WTF?

7:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Want to save even more money at Starbucks? Don't go. Even that elusive "short" size is a ripoff.

3:37 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

As a parent, I hate people who invite me to things that I obviously can't attend, just to "keep me in the loop."

Clueless Single Friend (CSF): Yo, we're heading up to the city at 10 to hit that new S&M club. You want to come with?

Me: Uh, didn't know you swung that way, and oh yeah, I HAVE TWO SMALL CHILDREN.

WTF, do people think I can go to these things? Or maybe they think I'm some sort of 19th century chauvinist who just dumps the kids on the wife or nanny.

8:50 AM  
Blogger H. A. Kirsch said...

I'm *guilty* of being that guy who doesn't hang out with his friends (or anyone) once he has a relationship.

I'm trying to fix it. I think people get in a relationship and think they can replace their random friends with a steady person. But that's a mistake. I think humans in general have a tendency to think like that and it's very wrong.

thing I hate: why the soap dispenser in the bathroom isn't part of the sink. At home, I don't care, I put my soap on the edge of the sink. in public, I don't want to drip water all over everywhere and spill soap gunk all over the nice marble countertop because someone wanted to put the dispenser five feet away on the freakin' wall.

thing I also hate: paper towels in the bathroom that you can't pull off without them ripping, because you're wet and the towel breaks when wet. This seems obvious.

thing everyone hates: direct marketing. NO ONE LIKES DIRECT MARKETING. Not a single person on this planet WANTS someone to call them. commercials on tv can be funny, you ca just flip past them in print ads, but when people go out of their way to harass you for someting, who's going to say yes who isn't gullible/scared of people?

9:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a hilarious blog and list!

I hate it when I mention to people that my husband and I eloped, and they (usually women) say 'oh I wish I had done that' instead of having my huge, expensive wedding. And you know that they are lying because they would never forgo the huge expensive wedding, big ring, or dress for anything in the world.

How about Parents who invite non-parent friends to their kid's birthday parties? I know they are doing this to keep non-parents in the loop but really, most people don't like being surrounded by dozens of kids. I know that parents are very busy but at the very least, try to see friends in a non kid-centric environment once a in while?

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about when non-parents invite their parent friends to adult events but the parent friends don't get that not everyone thinks their kid is the second coming of Christ?

Parent who has forgotten how to be an adult: "Can we bring the kid?"

No you can't bring your kid! We want to see YOU not your snotty brat! Why do you think we are inviting you a month in advance? Go get a babysitter like everyone else.

What's worse than inconsiderate parents? PET OWNERS! I hate trying to run/bike/walk in the outdoors and then someone shows up who thinks that their "perfectly trained" mongrel doesn't need a leash (nevermind that the beast has jumped all over me with its muddy feet! Or, is freaked out by the bike and almost knocks me off it as it tries to attack).

Inconsiderate pet owner: "oh, he likes you!"
Umm shut the hell up. I don't give a flying monkey ass if your dog likes me, please remove its nose from my butt!

2:13 PM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

You are too funny: I love rants!! Keep 'em up.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous chris said...

On this one I really hear you:
"One of my nightmares is going to the bathroom, washing/drying my hands, and then walking outside only to have someone IMMEDIATELY shake my hand. WILL THEY THINK I DON'T WASH MY HANDS?!?"

I had this problem set up for me a formal function where the washroom had no towels or dryer. My solution was to have my hands so entirely wet when i walked out that people would think 'that guy can't possibly piss on his hands that much.'

8:31 AM  
Blogger Ramit Sethi said...

HAHAHAHHAHAHHAA

8:45 AM  
Anonymous lister said...

i hate when people know so much about starbucks that they are bursting at the seams to relay their retardedly trivial knowledge to the external world.

know what i also hate? people who don't look exactly like me.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Nataleesthot said...

I hate when people call me with questions and then second guess my answer.
IM(Idiot man): where do you think the copies are supposed to go?
me: I believe they are mailed to corporate
IM: Are you sure? lemme check with XXX

and as if that's not bad enough. Five minutes later they come back with "I guess you were right"..

YOU GUESS???? UGHHHH DIE!

2:41 PM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

Almost as bad as (and in the defense of) the people who disappear off the face of the earth when they find a significant other:

"Friends" who assume that every waking minute you're not with them, it's because you're with your s.o. reveling in your confining, unhealthy relationship. Really. Just because I'm not with you doesn't mean I'm with him.

Also, it's really hard to let friendships that aren't working just die out naturally, without that getting thrown in your face, when you're in a relationship. If I were single, I'd be blowing you off because, well, I don't like you as much as I thought I did. But since I have a BOYFRIEND, it must be that I'm one of those people who doesn't come up for air.

9:09 PM  
Blogger Nataleesthot said...

People who get overly defensive over the wrong things. Example: someone says something about the way UMD men dress (neither positive nor negative. just a simple statement) and this is the conversation that ensues

IM (Idiot Man): Would you rather wear our pants on our knees like rappers or would you rather we wear our pants so tight like 'white boys'?

Me: Idiot man so defensive. What Kelly was saying was neither positive nor negative. Why do you always act like you have a poker up your butt?

IM: Why do you always have to bring up the gay sh*t? Anyway, I'd rather have a poker up my a$$ than a d*** any day!



WHAT THA CRAP?

First of all, being defensive about the way you dress when no ones attacking you...WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second, 'poker up your butt' is a figure of speech. Taking it literally....WRONG!!!!!!!

Lastly, for any straight man, there is no such thing as rather have this or that up their you-know-whats! It's just not an option! So telling me your preference and invertedly exposing your sexual preference...........WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!



UGHHH DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

6:19 AM  
Blogger Perfect Pop said...

Here's one: people who mash their number pad to mean "a lot"

4:25 PM  
Blogger Maulleigh said...

update your feckin blog!!!

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

related hatred: people who not merely get attached at the hip, but then proceed to rub their relationship in your face. They're practically one step away from tearing each other's clothes off right there in front of you... this is naturally a very uncomfortable thing to watch... but if you ask for a little common courtesy... they get all offended, because they're in love and "it's what lovers do. UM, NO, NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, IF THEY HAVE ANY SHAME AT ALL! Way to drive home the "third wheel" vibe that's already bothering us! If you're gonna have us over as a guest, don't interpret being at your place as "already having a room." Be a gracious host, for once! Save it for when you're alone.

Also, it irritates me to no end when people move all the way over to West Nowhere and then complain that they don't have any friends. OF COURSE NOT, YOU JUST DITCHED THE WHOLE LOT OF THEM IN ONE GO! Your entire support system, shot to hell. And it's possible that you are now even FURTHER away from any long-distance friends. SLICK!

And for the hat trick: suddenly deciding to have children before 30. Umm, you have very little of your youth remaining, why toss it away? Don't bitch at me afterwards about how busy you are and how you never have time to do anything fun. You're the one who decided that you were going to throw yourself into a world that all your friends are too sensible to venture into, yet! Have fun at the PTA meetings, we're gonna throw a wild party and enjoy ourselves.

6:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

People (and they tend to be professors and academics) who pronounce words differently than those of us who speak Standard American English. For example, saying the word "status" as "state-us" or "advertisement" as "ad-VERTIS-ment." If you're not British or Canadian, you're just pretentious.

10:19 AM  
Blogger greybeat said...

The bathtub drain has been driving me crazy for years. Who designed this so that once you get in, you are really only getting a half-tub of water? It''s too low!!! And for it to be right under the faucet, so that when you try to add hot water to it a few minutes after you get in, it just gets sucked away immediately. So now you have to swirl the water to the back of the tub to try to keep as much of the hot water as possible, but it's useless at this point because you've already exhausted your hot water supply and you just sit there with your hand under the faucet hoping the water will warm up but it doesn't and you're left with a half tub of lukewarm water that's only getting colder and you think, "maybe I should heat up a kettle and pour it in here" and then you think about how cold it will be to get out, and how long it takes to heat a kettle to boiling, and you say "fuck it" and sit in your cold bath wondering if sealing up the drain would be a good idea going forward, and coming up with a hundred ways it could have been designed better, and all the while being very acutely aware of the fact that there are better tubs out there, perhaps ones that are heated so that your bath doesn't get cold at all, and deeper, so that you can actually submerge your whole body, but these are for rich people, and you are not rich, so you are just going to have to get used to getting out of the bath feeling like someone just drugged you and stole your kidney.

That and why is it no one uses their blinkers anymore. So rude.

2:15 AM  
Blogger greybeat said...

People who don't bother with punctuation cause they are too tired to edit but write a huge run-on rant as if anyone will care enough to read it.

2:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

greybeat- I cared enough to post about your comment.

But then again, I like to write about the "design of everyday things"

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ramit. Write again. I need your bitterness to keep on living without sex.

11:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, what's going on ? Why haven't you been posting lately ?

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ramit, how could you abandon us this way?

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

worse - people who pretend to hang out with you but spend 75% of the time talking on the phone with their boyfriend/girlfriend WHO WAS WITH THEM AN HOUR AGO AND WILL BE WITH THEM AN HOUR LATER !!! Why even pretend you are our friend anymore !

8:45 PM  
Blogger Neeraj "Richie" Banerji said...

Commenters! Stop posting things you hate! We are merely dabblers! It's Ramit's job and he has been woefully delinquent!

7:32 AM  
Anonymous somedude said...

I hate it when you're picking your nose and people rudely stare at you like you're some kind of weirdo. Mind your damn business,geez.

2:08 AM  
Anonymous thesamedude said...

Don't you just hate it when you go up to a random person on the street and kick them in the nuts, and then they get all mad and start cussing you out? God, what jerks!

11:33 PM  
Anonymous not a dude said...

The starbucks tip cup.

The other day this woman wouldn't hand over my change. She held onto my cash and sort of looked at me waiting for me to walk away. When I put out my hand she gave me the bill, but kept the change. She had her hand hovering over the tip cup. I just looked at her and she finally gave me my change.

Ok I don't really care about the change part, but don't assume that you can have it. I mean come on. Why should she get tipped for doing her job? Isn't that what a salary is for? All I asked was for a cup of coffee. None of that complicated stuff with extra garbage attached to it. All she did was fill a cup up.

7:34 AM  
Anonymous Guy said...

(1) Endnotes in books – someone told me that it’s because they’re slightly less expensive than footnotes – but they’re so bloody inconvenient!

(2) The misclassification of books as “philosophy”, especially when they’re vacuous self-help books.

(3) The way that everyone who’s ever raved to me about going to the beach had nothing to say (and some called me a “miserable bastard”) when I pointed out that all activities commonly associated with the beach are more fun to do somewhere else.

(4) The sunk-cost fallacy. "I know it'll be rubbish but I've bought the ticket now."

(5) Girls who try to get attention by telling men, usually in a social situation, that they watch porn.

(6) The fact that I don’t know a lot about computers but somehow still know more than 90% of the sales assistants in computer stores.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous candice said...

I hate how there is always one blank page that just contains the url of the map you generated when you print out google/yahoo map directions.

Worse yet is when you assume the last page is blank, save for this useless url, and you discover once you are already on the road (most likely to an important meeting)that the last couple turns are actually on that last page which you discarded back at the office.

5:45 PM  
Anonymous somedude said...

I hate it when...um...uhhhhhh......
..ummm...................................hmm.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................whoa! where am I?.....dude, all of my thoughts are appearing on my screen.awsome.What am I doing here anyway?.....hmm...................
...think,think,think...................well since I'm here I might as well tell ya a story. A story about a fella named Jed, an old mountineer who could hardly keep his family fed. Well one day he was shootin' at some food, and out from the ground came a bubblin' crude.Oil,that is.Black gold.Texas Tea.Well, the next thing ya know old Jed's a millionaire,so then all of the sudden a bunch of Jed's inbred relatives starin' showing up at his place askin' for money.And Jed didn't even know most of these people.So Jed would just tell 'em "well for one, I have no idea who you are, and two, it's my money so you can piss off".Yeah, that's what old Jed told 'em. Well anywho,now that Jed was a rich man, he no longer had the burden of taken care of those free loaders he called a family and can now do whatever he wanted.So he told his wife that he wanted a divorce. Bad move.After a lengthy court battle, Jed's wife, or should I say ex-wife,ended up with half of Jed's money.So now Jed was only a half-a-millionaire.So Jed blew all of what was left of his money on booze.And so from there Jed gradually slipped into a downward spiral of dispair.In the midst of his path to self destruction,Jed realized that money isn't the most important thing in life. It's family.And Jed had a family and he pissed it all away.Yep, you could say that old Jed learned a valuble lesson.It's too bad he stuck the barrel of a 12 gauge in his mouth and pulled the trigger with is big toe.I know its a sad and grim story,but a true one.So if you ever come into some money, don't do what old Jed did.Don't be greedy. Califonia is the place you oughta be, so just load up the truck and move to Beverly. Hills, that is. Swimming pools and movie stars.Y'all come back now, ya hear.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Nataleesthot said...

Let's talk about clothing in specifically in the business environment.

Let's start with flip flops. Ladies, there are some places that call for an actual shoe (sole, heel, toes covered, etc). Unless you're a life guard at a beach or pool, I can't think of another place of business where flip flops should be worn. If you're out on farm picking oranges, wear flip flops all you want but you certainly take the risk of snake bites. The sound they make is their biggest irritant. That "pap pap pap" sound they make against the heel of the wearer is extremely distracting in a business environment and they look terrible in my opinion. At the risk of plagiarizing a couple of news articles I read recently, it's as though someone "almost" got dressed before leaving home. This is especially true when paired with traditional business attire. I don't care how fancy the flip flop appears. They can be made by DKNY for all I care. It's still a nasty foot exposing, loud flip flop. I'll allow (oh yes, I did say "allow"!) them to be worn in a small office if your co-workers don't mind. But if the office has more than 3 people, I can't allow them to be worn. Also, I've encountered several females who think people want to see their feet. Newsflash, I don't like feet. I don't care how well they're pedicured. They're feet. You don't do anything with them besides walk so why would do you consider them to be so special? I've had female coworkers bring up the subject of their feet for no apparent reason other than to make an opportunity for them to be seen. Example...

Me: "Hey, we're ordering lunch from the Thai place down the street. Do you want anything?"
Female Coworker: "No thanks. I brought my lunch".
Me: "Ok".
FC: "I like Thai though". (before I can leave she says...) "I really think I need a pedicure" and then she takes a foot out of its shoe and wiggles her toes. I refuse to look but I can tell what's happening through peripheral vision.
Me: (Blank stare directly at her face) "So?"

I must be an island to myself because in my current place of employment, flip flops are being worn as if that's THE required foot apparel. It's annoying and with some of these ladies, it's quite disgusting. As an aside, a former buddy of mine once told me that he was on a first date with a female who said to him verbatim "see my cute feet?". If I'm not mistaken, his reply was "naw dawg, that's aight".

Now let's talk about clothing above the foot. 99.98912% of men in their place of employment wear shoes, socks, pants, usually long sleeve shirts if not jackets and ties. If a tie isn't required, then the shirt is buttoned up to the second button from the top and underneath is usually a t-shirt. So what skin do you see on a male at work? If he's wearing a short sleeve shirt, you see his forearms. Other than that, you see his hands and his face. What about females? I see tank tops, skirts (below and above the knee), spaghetti straps (what?), tube tops (excuse me?) and those gawd-awful flip flops and open toed shoes. If I owned my own business, my blanket policy would be you cover up as much skin as possible. I don't want to see arms above the elbows, shoulders, cleavage, ankles, legs, thighs nor feet. With hard bottomed shoes being the exception, I hate noisy clothes. The flip flop "pap pap"? Don't test me. The "schwish schwish" of bell bottom jeans? Don't get yourself hurt. If your shirt is making a "whoosh whoosh" sound under the arms, loose some weight.

Clothes that are too tight on either gender is unacceptable but this is especially true for men. Gentlemen, those polo shirts you've had since college graduation? Guess what, you can't fit them any longer. Notice I didn't say "THEY don't fit YOU any longer". The reason? It's not the shirt's fault that you've gotten bigger. People aren't fools. Those aren't muscles bulging under the shirts. You don't look sexy. You look stupid. Those dress shirts whose collars are now 1/2 to 1 size to small causing all of the blood in your body to be trapped in your head? They can now be used to dust your furniture. I don't have a problem with you being fat but for goodness sakes, wear clothes that fit properly. Come of the river known as "denial". Those pants where the legs no longer extend past the ankle (a.k.a. highwaters)? They are to be tossed. Don't even give them to charity. Gentlemen, choose your color (and I emphasize YOUR color) wisely. If you look sickly in yellow, that's a color you can't wear. If you look like a strawberry dipped marshmellow in pink, that's a color you can't wear. Stick with neutral colors. If your sweaters are full of fuzz balls, have them defuzzed or they are to be tossed. And stop wearing those sweaters with 1000 colors and designs. Those aren't something that all men can wear. This isn't the '80s and you aren't Bill Cosby.

10:22 AM  
Anonymous kinfotenfo said...

Ramit is slacking on his responsibilities as the owner or this blog. I suggest he pass the torch to someone who will take better care of us.

You suck Ramit! Going sweet? YOU SUCK! I miss your daily blogs. They kept me really happy.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

know what i hate? I hate taking a cab somewhere, calculating how much i owe, plus tip, and then leaving more! what the hell, man? this morning, i was late for work, so i took a cab instead of the bus. fare is 7.45, i think (in my head) 7.45, i leave 9, that's a 20$ tip, sweet)
Instead, i give the cabdriver a 20 and say "give me 9 back please" fuck!
and i'm sure she thinks.... what? what does she think about someone who overtips? lame! and of course i can't be all "oh, sorry, i meant keep 9 and give me the rest, hahahaha how RETARDED OF ME"

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

know what i hate? I hate taking a cab somewhere, calculating how much i owe, plus tip, and then leaving more! what the hell, man? this morning, i was late for work, so i took a cab instead of the bus. fare is 7.45, i think (in my head) 7.45, i leave 9, that's a 20$ tip, sweet)
Instead, i give the cabdriver a 20 and say "give me 9 back please" fuck!
and i'm sure she thinks.... what? what does she think about someone who overtips? lame! and of course i can't be all "oh, sorry, i meant keep 9 and give me the rest, hahahaha how RETARDED OF ME"

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I hear or read the word 'amazing' one more time I think I'll throw up. Ooops, there, I just said it!

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sales associates who don't sell. I took my mother to Sharper Image to buy a lamp. She had questions. Easy ones. I had to answer them. WTF? But maybe the real problem is with management that isn't managing.

11:34 AM  
Anonymous kinfotenfo said...

what about sales agents who oversell?

I bring a pair of sunglasses to a cash register so that I can make the purchase. The cashier is friendly enough. We start a small conversation (no one was behind me). She looks at my sunglasses and says something along the lines of "Wow, these are really nice. I think they'll look great on you". Everything is all well and fine but here's where she went wrong. SHE TRIED THEM ON. That's a no no as far as I'm concerned. There will be no trying on of the customer's purchases. Now mind you, sunglasses aren't clothes (it's more like an accessory). However, DO NOT TRY ON MY ACCESSORIES AT THE REGISTER. Do not try my hat. Do not try my gloves. Do not try my wrist watch. Do not try my jacket. Do not try my ties. Don't even put my hankerchiefs in your pocket to see how it looks. Luckily, it turned out that the sunglasses didn't have a barcode so I went back to the rack and got another pair.

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is absolutely unacceptable Ramit. Three months and counting! I am not going to eat hot wings or wish you a happy birthday until you post!!

11:01 AM  
Anonymous gnomemafia said...

Where ARE you?

12:47 PM  
Blogger Ramit Sethi said...

Holy crap--50 comments on this post alone. Ok, I'm back and will post on Monday, July 31. It's been too long.

9:36 AM  
Blogger MarkZZ said...

hah.. my friend exactly. maybe i should show him this? i'm sure he'll find it now i've commented. 0_o

5:49 AM  
Blogger Vera Bass said...

I've just discovered your stuff and am taking way to much time enjoying it all.

Fabulous humor.

The only one that made me almost cry instead of laugh was the one about lame people that don't get out much. I've been at least mildly handicapped for the better part of 20 years, and am increasingly unable to physically get around, visit, touch base, etc. since one outing is now a huge project. It saddens me how many of the hundreds of people I've connected with can't pick it back up on a personal level without the regular physical contact. I'm looking forward to being able to project an avatar. :)

That hitting the nerve with truth is at the heart of the best humor and this is the best collection of blog rants ever.

Vera

10:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm in on the useless towels and air dryers in washrooms, but I don't quite follow how someone might think you don't wash your hands if your hands are still wet. If you didn't wash your hands, how did you get them wet? Does that person regularly use their hand instead of toilet paper?

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Nik said...

But Ramit, as one of those people sucked into a relationship and ditching the old friends, there is a good excuse you shouldn't argue against: People suck, and having to deal with them all the time gets annoying. For example bad drivers, stupid cheese dicks and their sorority sluts, or old friends that just don't seem to be doing anything helpful for society in general. (Did I forget the morally flexible and ostentatious upper "class" lacking responsibility for any of the world's real problems?) Well, you get the point. Awesome blogs, thanks for the good reads.

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11:03 PM  
Anonymous x-Tine said...

i completely agree with you about the statement of "college relationships" getting so involved that they knock off all damn interaction with their friends!!! Come on your gonna run back to them when you break up in a couple months. I'm proof, i've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and not one person i know will say i have ever chosen him over them...and hes okay with it and agrees with the above. I'm not gonna rip my hair out if i see him once a week and im not gonna slobber all over him if i havent seen him like some people i know do...have some courtesy for the lonely people!!!!!

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like cold callers.

9:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love your rants! but i would like to point out that tethering yourself to an anchor of ice might not drag you to the bottom of the ocean. water is (i think) the only thing that has its solid that can float in its own liquid. i think it's because ice is less dense than liquid water.
apart from that, please keep ranting!

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh oh, I think I've found several points that could apply to me here... I'd better check with my boyfriend...

9:23 PM  
Anonymous emily said...

Hm, i think all of your stuff is usually very, very funny, although life isn't SUPER terrible :) But awesome work! I love ur blog!

3:22 PM  
Blogger C.I said...

I'm new to your blog... totally enjoyed it !
Can't help but wonder though.. do you smile ?!

keep ranting,
ci

2:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Promise ? Ok, here goes :

"DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO RAISE THIS CHILD BETTER THAN ME?"

7:43 AM  

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